Stories & Articles
Saturday, September 02, 2006
True Footy Colours
If someone asked me about the 'AFL' four years ago I would've given them a spiel about the Minnesota Vikings or Greenbay Packers. I learnt about these teams whilst living in Minnesota back in 1995 for a year and, although I don't know much, I picked up enough to understand most of the rules and know that the sport bears a significant part of American culture. I went to a few games over there and actually enjoyed the games I watched... its especially enjoyable with a mega sized hot dog in one hand and a bucket sized coke in the other hand which lasted me the entire game!!

So when Sally asked me four years ago whether I had watched an AFL game I started to explain how I went to a few games and decribed to her the complex strategies and rules, as well as the various combinations of mega hot dogs you could have.

"No, no, no..." she said, "Australian Football League....not American." It was at that point that I realised she meant Australian Football, not American.

I did happen to watch some highlights a few times in England which was televised at about 1am or 2am in the morning...but at this early hour I would normally be too intoxicated to even follow the TV set around let alone a ball the size of a pea being kicked around at all angles. So I'm not sure whether it was the alcohol or simply my ignorance that influenced my opinion in thinking that this Aussie game made absolutely no sense whatsoever. For a start they play on an oval ground... the players seem to be running around like headless chickens without any direction or purpose...and besides, the game is so microcosmic and only played in Australia that it couldn't possibly be that good.

I was lucky not to sustain any physical injuries after sharing these views with Sally (she's a very passionate supporter and will defend it with her life), but unfortunately I had to endure a punishment much worse than that. For years I had to put up with a barage of non-stop yapping about a game she obviously loved but to which I had no knowledge or interest in. She went on about it so much that I knew all the rules before I even got to watch a game!! Once she brainwashed me with more than I could possibly want to know about the game, she quickly moved onto her favorite topic, her team - the Western Bulldogs.

The Western Bulldogs...the team of red, white and blue...or, aply referred to as 'the doggies.' They are one of 16 teams competing in a 22 round home and away season for the 'Premiership' Cup. At the end of the season the top 8 teams progress to the finals where they play-off in elimination rounds until there is one team left standing...capiche? Well, in the entire history of the competition dating back to the late 1800's the Western Bulldogs have only managed to win this trophy once back in 1954 (well before I was born). In short, this is not a very successful football club. This left me in no doubt as to why Sally talked about them as much as she did before I left England to move to Australia. Obviously they were struggling for supporters and someone, anyone, had to barrack for this desperate team...not surprisingly my suspicions were right on the money!!

The problem is that I really had no choice in the matter, before I even had the chance to select which team to support, I was greeted at Melbourne airport by Sally with a Western Bulldogs membership card first...followed by the kiss and hug!! So that was it, my destiny sealed on a sinking ship with no more life boats to save me...

I guess there was just one thing for it...get busy living, or get busy dieing. So on a warm winter's evening in 2002 (Melbourne stays around 15 degrees celcius in winter...in comparison to back home, this was barely enough to even bring out goosebumps) we packed our bread rolls and headed to my first AFL game. As I was watching the game, with running commentary from Sally, she told me about an incident that happened in 1997 that changed my whole perspective on this football club and my feelings towards it. The star player for the Western Bulldogs and a superstar of the game at the time, was offered a lucrative deal to change clubs. The package was substantially better than what a poor struggling club like the Bulldogs could match. His decision to go was virtually signed and sealed. That is, it was, until a 5 year old girl approached him and offered him her enitre pocket money of about $5 begging him to remain at the club...he decided to stay. He currently still plays for the Bulldogs and recently broke the record of most games played for the club at 323.

Its difficult not to admire someone who unselfishly sacrificed his own personal success and financial gain in favour of remianing loyal to a club and its supporters that needed him the most, but for little reward. If I didn't have goosebumps at the start of the game, this story certainly gave them to me! The gesture demonstrated to me how success can be defined in many ways and that its not necessarily what you achieve in life that matters, but how you achieve it. Its the character of a person and their ability to show loyalty, pride, passion and a resolve to fight on in the face of adversity which is just as important in measuring success in life as it is the actual outcome.

As a result of this story, I am now an adament supporter of the club and cheer them on every week with as much passion as Sally does. The Western Bulldogs can only dream of winning the premiership one day...but until that day comes, I'll continue to support the club and do my bit to keep that dream alive!
 
posted by Pretender at 1:08 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Friday, September 01, 2006
Something Fishy About Horses
If anyone asked me if I was into horses, two thoughts would immediately cross my mind - either they have some kind of sadistic fetish towards horses and have a collection of tailor-made horse whips stashed away in their closet or alternatively, they're just mad about horses and get a kick out of watching them gallop around a track with a group of multi-coloured hobbits bouncing up and down frantically in a deperate bid to win a place on the podium so they can see what the view is like at a normal height. So my answer to the question of whether I'm into horses would have to be an emphatic 'no'...to both possibilities.

At least, those were my feelings about the subject of horses until this month when Sally and I decided to buy into a syndicate on a race horse. Before I wasn't very interested about horse racing - I had previously only been twice to the races...and once was back when I was 13 yrs old when I went to a local race track to bet all my pocket money on horses that either came last or died in the process of coming last. It was devastating watching them die in front of you, especially at that age...after all, $5 was a lot of money and went a long way in those days. So you could say that my enthusiasm for horses was somewhat lacking at the beginning... unless of course it was plastered on a pub sign.


Its still early days but Sally and I are slowly opening up to the world of horses and getting more emotionally attached now that we have a vested interest. All of a sudden we've discovered we actually now care about horses...a lot. This particular horse was recommended to us by a horse trainer who also happens to work with Sally. In all honesty, we have no idea what we're getting ourselves into - we're going in totally blind and have entrusted the advice given to us by a supposed expert who we believe knows what he's talking about when it comes to horses...basically he talks a lot of horse shit!

We knew we were onto a winner when the trainer described the horse along the lines of, "this one has a great behind" or "nice big head on this one" or "this one gives a good ride for your money"... I personally think the guy has been spending far too much of his time around horses! I didn't tell him that to his face of course, just incase he was carrying one of his leather whips...

For the horse whipping fanatics you'll be pleased to know that I have created a website dedicated to the progression of King Charlemagne and his rise to stardom...enjoy the ride, but please keep it clean. If you aren't into horses why not simply have a punt on him - you'll have lots of fun and at the end of day... your loss will be my gain!
 
posted by Pretender at 8:23 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Friday, August 25, 2006
Home of the Penguins & Koalas
Last weekend I went down to Phillip Island for a weekend getaway with Sally. Its one of the main tourist destinations and a great place to go for people living in and around Melbourne as its not far to drive but yet it feels like you're a world away from city life. We stayed at the Intercontinental Hotel where we booked a spa suite that included a 'balcony' with sea view - only to find when we checked in that we were on the ground floor with a patio overlooking the footpath with a stream of tourists walking by directly in front of our room. So you can imagine we were none too chuffed with the noise that resonated from the streets in the evening from tanked up teenagers squabbling over who lost their virginity first (Jess had it off first...with Jill and Sharon, together) Anyway, we got to know Jess really well that night, so I highly recommend this hotel if you want to know all about him...if you prefer to sleep - stay away!

Next day we struggled out of bed at 6pm to make it to the Penguin Parade - one of the few places in the world where you can see penguins in their natural habitat waddle back from the sea to their burrows. We weren't too tired after we learnt that the penguins spent most of their day at sea, travelling up to 200km searching for food!! They only sleep a few hours before heading off to sea again...poor little buggers. We felt sorry for them - especially after you see their burrows... they all had sea views but there's no spas or mini bars - how do they survive?!

We also went to the Phillip Island Nature Park to see Koala bears in the wild. They're lazy as - apparently they spend 22hrs of the time sleeping, only moving to have a quick feed before going back to sleep. That following Monday I spared a thought for the Koala as my alarm clock rang out in the morning at 6am!
 
posted by Pretender at 6:31 PM | Permalink | 0 comments
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Episode 1: Baby Talk in the Murphy Family
Here we take a sneak insight into the daily lives lead by some of the young infants of today within a typical suburban household...



Chris: "Hmmm...all this politics is so getting to my head its really starting to shit me."


Dan: "Yeah man...hicup...'ere, take a swig of this, its really cool...it clears ya 'ead of everything and gives ya somekinda super vision...look dad, I can see two of everything!"

Chris: "Dan you idot! How many times have I told you not to drink when you have to get up for kindergarten the next morning...you really need to grow up Dan...we're not kids anymore you know."

Dan: "Argh...I think I'm goin' to be sick...Hey Chris! You finished crappin' in the toilet yet? You better hurry y'ur tiny ass up or I'll shove that paper up y'ur diaper and ya won't be seeing the light of day to even make it to kindergarten tomorrow...Hey, wait a sec...why are ya on the toilet bozo - you got a diaper on!"

Chris: "Oh shit...I think I've crapped myself!"


...and so there we leave the Murphy family with undeniably two of the sweetest little kids in town. There's no doubt that this is accredited to the fine parenting that we've wittnessed here today. Stay tuned as we continue to follow their lives in future episodes...
 
posted by Pretender at 9:17 PM | Permalink | 0 comments
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Shattered World Cup Dreams
Dammit!! How could we lose again? I couldn't believe the crap that was dished up by the England team and I was probably one of the many English fans who thought we actually had a chance of winning the tournament. I was really looking forward to this World Cup because Australia also qualified for the first time since 1974 and all of a sudden the atmosphere was fever pitch in anticipation of watching their beloved Socceroos perform on the big stage amongst some of the powerhouses of world football.

Unlike in 2002 when I was probably the only one in Australia who knew that a World Cup was taking place, this time it was the main topic of conversation, '...can Australia get through to meet England in the Final?', '...will Australia avenge their Ashes defeat by beating England at their national sport?' Yeah right, I had to laugh at the time - even placed bets with a few mates that England would have a resounding victory if they did meet Australia in the World Cup, if they didn't, then England would progress further. Well...fortunately I ended up winning the bet but had it been based on actual performance I might not have been that fortunate. It was hardly worth forcing myself to stay up late at night to watch them play - due to the time difference the games were televised here between 12am and 7am...so while the English fans back home were probably downing pints of beer everytime Beckham got foot to ball, I was sipping on a cup of hot chocolate making sure I didn't yell too loud to wake up the neighbours!

Oh well, despite my team not winning it's always exciting to watch such a huge world wide event take place. The game of soccer itself won many new fans and followers in Australia and gained massive media coverage like never before as a result of their national side participating in the tournament...the talk is now on the possibility of hosting a future world cup in Australia. That prospect may be some time away before it eventuates... in the meantime I'll be following England's progress over the next 4 yrs hoping that they can get it right for the next big stage. In the short term, the dust has settled and all attention is now focussed on the upcomnig Ashes Cricket series which kicks off here in November - that could be an encounter I can't afford to bet on. I've got tickets to the Boxing Day test match, so keep your eyes and ears peeled... you might hear me shouting out as I'm dragged off the pitch!
 
posted by Pretender at 8:27 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Village People in Adelaide

Last week I went to Adelaide in South Australia on a sales trip. Many of my friends in Melbourne warned me to be careful of all the 'feral' people over there. This is an Australian term used to discribe the kind of people who would piss in your beer and spit on your food...and that's if you were being nice! As you can imagine, any original excitement I had about travelling there swiftly evaporated. Based on the advice given to me, it would seem that I would be getting far more of a taste of the people there than I was actually prepared to swallow!


On the day I left for Adelaide I was pretty anxious and pessimistic of the journey that lay ahead...the stress levels were magnified further when my Taxi failed to show up at the agreed time of 6.00am claiming not to have a booking for me. So things were looking ominous from the moment I stepped out of my front door...which started with a mad rush to get to the airport on time for my flight:


6.50am: Arrive at airport in person but not in mind, yet...frantically try to make it to checkin desk before flight leaves.


6.55am: Out of breath only to be told that flight is not scheduled to leave until 7.30am...f#*@! (Mental note: need to check flight times for future trips, might help.)


7.05am: Destress time (mental note: learn Yoga when I get back from trip). Buy an extra strong coffee in bid to wake myself up to world.


7.15am: Problems at security - affirmative (screened twice due to excessive metal but eventually cleared of any potential threat to self or terrorists).

7.30am: Flight departs. Feeling relaxed after watching flight attendants do safety demonstrations - therefore if flight crashes into millions of pieces at least I have my seat belt fastened correctly.

7.35am: Captain makes announcement to turn off all cell phones as they are dangerous and interfere with plane's equipment...(mental note: why do terrorists persist with bombs then, surely they have mobile phones?)

7.45am: Bright idea - remove sick bags from seats incase I need it after any 'feral' activity. Man in seat next to me wearing a very smart suit is watching me nervously as I do it... hopefully he's not sick.

8.25am: Arrive in Adelaide in one piece despite man in front talking on cell phone for nearly the entire flight.

8.20am: Exit airport...take deep breath (mental note: air seems safe enough) and brace myself for the worst...

Well, that was my journey over to Adelaide which I thought I'd share. Despite all the build up and negative expectations I had about the percieved hospitality I was to expect in Adelaide, I actually found the people there were very friendly and that my beers, to my relief, never got above room temperature! The city itself was clean, compact (I walked from one end to the other in under 30min) and neatly designed that I found traffic there virtually non-existant. In fact the week passed without incident except for the final evening when I encountered non-feral related situation.


That night I was invited out by a VIP client who I had already been out with on my second evening in Adelaide. We sat at a bar most of the evening chatting and having a few drinks before he asked me if I wanted to go to another place where we could carry on drinking. It seemed like a good idea at the time, after all, it was my final evening and the night was still young despite already having too much to drink. Where he took me was somewhere completely different to what I had in mind...we went to a strip bar! I was a bit taken back but...oh well, what the hell - first time for everything I suppose and most importantly, they served beers there too. However, while we were sitting patiently waiting for our order of beers to arrive, the first 'performer' sprang onto the stage. I was absolutely shocked and gobsmacked to realise that the 'performer' that stood before me was that of the male species!! The colour drained from my face as it dawned on me that I had inadvertently walked straight into a gay strip joint. I froze on the spot as I tried to work out whether I was feeling more uncomfortable watching a man 'performer' who was about to share his lunch pack with the audience, or for accepting an invitation to go to a gay strip club with a client who was VIP, buying my drinks...and also had a lunch pack to offer!! In the end, with my buttocks clenched and firmly presssed against the chair, I politely excused myself and left the club...quicker than you could say, "Village People."

When I returned to my hotel room I emptied my mini bar of all the miniature bottles of spirits to help me overcome the ordeal, albeit temporarily. I also began to understand why they call Australia the land "Down Under" - I certainly didn't want to be either down or under that evening...besides, I only had a single bed in my room anyway.
 
posted by Pretender at 8:49 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Friday, June 09, 2006
Life Down Under
I'm currently living in Melbourne, Australia enjoying the sun, surf and sand. Got a house with my girlfriend Sally who is still tolerating my sad jokes and shite cooking after 6 years together... at least I think its 6 years (I might have to look for another home to live in now!!) I'm a permanent resident which means I can stay in the country indefinately - or as long as I behave myself and avoid murder, rape or committing suicide... in which case they might send me back to UK... on a convict ship! (Best not to use the word 'convict' around these parts as it can also get you sent back home... better to just remind of them of the Ashes instead!)

Having a ball 'Down Under' learning to play with my didgeridoo (no sexual connotations intended)... I've also invested in a B-B-Q and have been putting it to good use serving up Shrimps, Kangaroo Burgers and Croc Kababs!! So when you visit Melbourne make sure you drop by and I'll get the barbie going and cook you up one of my specialities ...

Despite taking great pleasure out of leisure (ok, ok...promise no more rhyming as it puts me off my timing)...between my leisure, I am working as State Sales Manager for an International hotel chain, which I have been doing now for 3 years. 2005 has been relatively successful with a busy 2006 ahead - the Australian Open, Grand Prix and Commonwealth Games are soon to take place... let the chaos begin!
 
posted by Pretender at 8:35 AM | Permalink | 0 comments